Boundaries as Care
Written by Dr. Elizabeth Brewer, PsyD
Psychological Associate, Dynamic Psychotherapy Center
September 29, 2025
Boundaries are often misunderstood as selfish or distancing. In truth, they protect our dignity and strengthen our relationships. This reflection explores how boundaries are both acts of resistance and acts of love.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and they say yes when they mean it. They are compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
—Brené Brown
Throughout history, boundaries have often been misunderstood as selfish or defiant. Enslaved people who slowed their pace were punished. Women who said no were called difficult. Communities who resisted colonial demands were branded rebellious. To set a boundary was to claim dignity, to insist: This is my body. This is my line. That act of refusal carried weight because it was powerful.
We carry pieces of that history with us. Many of us were raised to believe that boundaries push people away. But in truth, boundaries are what allow us to come closer without burning out. They are not walls, but doorways, guiding others in how to meet us with care. A boundary says: Here is what makes connection possible for me.
In therapy, we often discover that boundaries restore safety to the nervous system. When we say no, or not yet, our bodies learn they don’t have to live in constant vigilance. And when we say yes, from a place of clarity instead of depletion, we are able to offer love and presence that are genuine. Far from weakening relationships, boundaries protect them. They create the conditions for trust, respect, and intimacy to grow.
Reflection & Gentle Practice
1. Inherited stories.
What messages did you receive about boundaries growing up? Were you taught that saying no was selfish, or that your needs didn’t matter?
2. Practice a boundary.
Try saying: “I care about you, and I need to rest right now. Let’s find another time.” Notice if your body feels lighter afterward.
3. Reframe.
Instead of seeing boundaries as rejection, consider: What if my boundary is a way of protecting this relationship, so I can show up more honestly and sustainably?
Boundaries have always been acts of care. They protect our dignity, our energy, and our humanity. And they strengthen our relationships by making space for truth instead of resentment, connection instead of collapse. To set a boundary is not to shut people out, it is to love in a way that can last.
If you’re curious about exploring your relationship with boundaries in therapy, we would be honored to walk alongside you.
References
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.
Dana, D. (2021). Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory. Sounds True.
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. Routledge.
Hersey, T. (2022). Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Little, Brown Spark.
hooks, b. (2000). All About Love: New Visions. Harper Perennial.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.